The Lemonizer

God hates me!!!

why does he give me smth beautiful only to threaten to take it away again?
i hate this anixety of having to wait undefinatly without knowing.
i cant cope with this well, it just affects me!

smth like this don come by often, therefore i really treasure it. but, now i don even know wads going on!
i guess i just have to leave it for now and try take my mind off it.

wah lao!! i've been sick 5 days liao..
it really feels like shit man..

edwin is back and i cant go meet him cuz of me being sick..
sianess....

long time since i've blogged...

anw life aint going too good now. and i hate it.. not like i can do anything abt it.

sometimes, well most times i donno how to carry on from here.

oh k.. i cant have a conversation with my folks.. partly they don understand me and partly i don want to talk to them. they will prob just write me off or they will lecture me.

just sick of listening to them goin on abt things i should do that i should do well in poly, get to local uni, bah bah bah.... like shut up lah.. i am tired of listening to this shit man. its not like i donno and its not like i can do anything abt it man... u all do not know me as a person, don understand me... and i'm sorry i don want u to understand or know me.. tired of opening up to ppl. u don like just fuck off... no more mr nice lemon..

tired of life. sick of always having to put up with seeing u guys.. i shall just be contented being a bastard and fuck ppl ard me.. tired of always trying to get along with other ppl.. tired of overlooking other ppl's differences to get along with them.. like fuck wad the hell do i get in return? makes me miserable..

i don want to say anything more already..
i rather u not care abt me.
just provide my finances till i can survive on my own can liao.

INSOMIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the dreaded.

shit lah i cant fucking slp man.. and everytime i think i feel sleepy enough to slp and i do try, i will toss and turn
wad sucks is that i am actually tired.. my eyes are tired, my mind is tired. but i just cannot fall asleep!

i tink i will be the living dead tml at work lah sian.. then after work i got to meet the guys to prep for the gig i'm having on sat... now i am still not so excited abt it man.. but when the time comes i tink i will be more panicy? haha

dammit! it is 4am now and i needa wake at 6.. 2 hrs of slp? like last week?
last week was still not as bad.. i had like 3 and a half hours of slp last week.
i am in serious need of healthy living
i need discipline in my life.

haiz.. dang. alright since i am already bloggin, i shall just talk abt wad happen today at work. well being a rental manager is not easy man.its like being a sergeant in the army i tink. u can get shit from both top and bottom! i actually got alot of shit from my top today. wads best is that the shit is not from my manager! its from another manager that's not on managing duties today.

like shit lah..i noe my crew got nth to do today, and i am thinking of stuff to let them do. i also have already assigned them to do qutie a number of stuff already. the thing is sometimes they do not carry out wad i want them to do exactly. its quite fustrating. and wads worst is to have unexpected circumstance to screw up my plan for certain things.. like for an example sending 2 crew off for break then both come back late cuz one is ill.. i understand that he is ill but i guess it boils down to my planning in the end that once such a thing happen i cant recover from it.. its like i have 9 crew including myself that have to settle the break time and each break is 1/2 hr. so in order to try and fit everything nicely, i will surely not take a break. and i do that every week. i also prefer to let the rest of the crew to go first then the managers. and still it is not enough time man..

my that other not on managing duites senior will come and tell me that i cant send 2 crews for break while my manager will tell me its up to me.. definatly i will send to wad cuz it makes things easier. of cuz that there will be some occassions where when i send 2 to go alot of ppl will come in and i will be shorthanded. heh. like wadever lah.. like this also cannot like that also cannot. 

however i feel that i also should be more aware of things to do so that i can avoid kanaing fucked by ppl lah..i hate it man.. at first i tink its oh k. but now i feel as though someone is breathing down my neck all the time man.. and when he stress me, i will unintentionally stress my crew.

i tink ya if rental supervisor already got some shit like this managers definately will have a whole lot more. coaches too.. thats kinda why i am not too keen on becoming manager and stuff or be more active in coaching..

also its quite sad to see another long staying crew leave. i listen to some of her bad experiences here and makes me wanna leave too. but if i leave, how am i going to get income? can i still play hockey with the team? but i guess at most i will prob work till i get into ns. then again it feels quite far away. cuz that's like next yr and if i work more ya, the more chance of me getting shit.. to think abt it, 3 more mths and i would have stayed at my work place for a year.. amazing man.. my first job and i stayed 1 year.

enough abt that.. i realise that i needa focus more on my 3 things taht i really really want. they are:

• studies
• hockey
• band

yup, the 3 things that i so want in my life now.. to do all these 3 things in my life requires discipline and time management.. smth that i am soo lack of... i shall talk more abt these 3 in my next post.. time to try to slp again.

i hate myself.

that mistake i made will never stop haunting me.
i should have gotten the hint.
i should have just taken a chance.
why am i like this?

is it cuz of how i was brought up?
always have a conflict of angels and devils in me.
i hate it..
i don wanna listen to either..

nice nice... this is the 2nd time i am writing about this post..
haha... its funny to try to write a hate piece the 2nd time without all the hate..
all i have not is dark humour...

ahh so where should i start?
i was blogging abt being sick and tired of facing a problem everytime..
like come on... move on already..
damn..
i got a feeling that this time when i write this piece it will nt be as hateful as the first time.

so wad pissed me off?
my father calling me and asking me to be home before 12.
seems simple?
but its nt...
that fucker calls me today and asked me to be home before 12.
but i cant i told him cuz i am working until 11 today.. and i got crewsnite..
meaning i get my pay and i cant leave until everything is done..
so wad time i got hometonite?
i reached home at 2am.
wads the first thing the fucker said to me?
just back ah lennon? its past 2 already.. i tot i told u to be home before 12?
i didnt wanna explain anything to him.. cuz well i have been working the whole day and i am FUCKING TIRED!!
so WHY THE HELL CANT U FUCKING LET ME GO TO MY ROOM U FUCKING PUSSY?
u just got to come and find fault with me huh?

i was waiting for my manager to finish up and close the shop so i can cab home with her.
and why that is such a need is because i got NO FUCKING MONEY.
simple.. and why don i have money?
cuz a certain someone owes me money for driving and i don even have enough to withdraw..
how nice...
i am flat broke and i want my money back now cuz  its my money!
i earned every single last penny of it..
anw even if i had the cash to cab home, i would still cab home with my manager..
cuz it'll still be cheaper.

yesterday also... cb
i told my mum that i'll be going for sp cresendo so i wont be eating..
surely she expects for me to be home late..
and this fucker wanna ke kiang and call me..

this is how its goes..
fucker: hello lennon where are u?
me: I am at bukit timah area eating with my friends
fucker: i tot u are in sch?
me: yes i was but i went to eat after the concert with my friends and bukit timah is in the are of my school
fucker: oh k len i want u to come home before 12
i look at the time and.... wow.. its fucking 10 minutes to 12!
like wad the hell i told him i'll be home ard 1 plus..
i got home 1 plus 2..
its still 1 plus..

wad really pisses me off abt this be home before 12 thing is EVERYTHING!

I hate the way he tells me to be home before 12
ihate the tone of his voice.. making himself sound soo pathetic..
like dammit where is ur fucking dignity?
fuck u lah... only make me dispise u..

all i need from u is to just give me money..
thats all... u don have to talk to me, u don have to care for me, u don have to love me..
just give me cash out of duty..
i don care seriously!
i seriosuly don need u in my life, just ur money..

why am i so hateful towards u?
ahh... thats u question u got to ask urself..
have u been a good father and husband to ur kids and wife?

u think the readers noe where i'm headed already..
and is NO. where were u when ur kids needed u?
where were u when ur kids want to play with u?
where u supportive of ur kids?
i'd say selective...
and lets talk abt COMMUNICATION..
HAHA..
now that is a joke man...
U CANT TALK TO UR KIDS.. U TALK TO US LIKE WE ARE 10 YEARS WHEN BUT IN FACT I AM 2 TIMES THAT AGE.
U FUCKING CANT TALK TO UR WIFE CUZ U ARE SUCH A CONDOSENDING ASSHOLE.
U TALK TO US AS THOUGH U ARE TALKING TO UR WORKERS

i don respect u..
therefore i don listen to u...
i think wad ever u are  tell me abt the be home by 12 thing just some bullshit..
and whenever i say i try to be home by 12, i'm just bullshitting u..
i'm just telling u wad u want to hear..
i aint gonna do that..
no way i'm gonna go that..
its stupid..
best part is that i don have anyhting one the next day..
so i don see why i cant come home before 12..

and  i tink i have been rather obliging already..
as we all noe that during itp i have been going out after work like everyday..
so now thats over and i am home alot more..
and still u make so much noise..
one thing i've learnt over the years is that there is no point in pleasing u..
i don even bother myself with that...
i just do wad goes and if u piss me off, i just want to HURT u by anymeans possible.
i am willing to hurt/cut myself to hurt u..

seriously i just am sooo fucking fucking sick of this goddamned topic..
its like every hate post i post is abt issues with u..

u may not have a life but i do and i have no intension of giving it up for some loser rule u made up..
and u can NEVER compare ur life as a teenager and mine..
why?
dammit it was like wad 30 years ago?
we go through different things we have different needs..
so it would be totally and utterly idiotic to make such a comparision..
don come and tell me when u were my age u never come home so late..
i'd just tell u to fuck off..

i don expect myself to be talking to u for the next few days...
I DO NOT NEED U TO SURVIVE.
U WANNA LOCK HTE GATES I WILL JUST BRING MY KEYS
U WANNA COME DOWN HARD ON ME?
I WILL NEVER BACK DOWN..

i feel bored and lonely..

i just need someone to talk to..
its times like this i imagine life to be smth else..

a cooling nite in a temperate country
snuggling up in a comfy bean bag
candlelight to illuminate the room
sipping some alcholic drink
listening to some smooth relaxing chill out music
chatting with gd friends or that special someone.


that would be the best way to spend an evening.
too bad thats nt possible due to geographical reasons. heh

wah.. i am bored..

damn i hate this. like suddenly got nth to do man.
oh my!!! wad to do wad to do wad to do????????

as always... i HATE being told wad to do!

and i so god damn hate being told wad time i have to go home.
i have respected u all by being home for the past few days and coming home by 12 last nite already.
yet u still have to impose such crap on me..
for fuck's sake i'm freaking 20 already!
dammit!

i seriously think that i should be given the freedom to come back wad time i want.
it is not like i come home at like at 3 often or i don come home at all..
u think i don know how to think for myself, or that i have sch the next day..
but i do u know.. u know wads the best part?
I KNOW THIS SHIT BETTER THEN U!

reason? simple.
cuz its my life, my timetable and i definatly know wad is my limit.
and u think i should quit my job cuz this is my last year in poly?
i say NO!
u guys don know how this poly system works man.
it's not like sec sch O levels years oh k..
there isnt a single decide ur fate exams like O levels.
here in poly wad we have is cummulative GPA scores.
so it is accumulated since year one. and i know myself that i can fucking do damn well lah..
i don need this kinda restrain from u guys..

u know why i don wanna do wad u say?
partly its cuz i know that if i listen to u all and give u all face.
u all will take advantage of this...
use this as leverage to bend me to ur will..

heh...
anyway, some things are better left unsaid.. it wont help if it was said anyway..

heh....... sian ah!!

today is a sat and i've got nth to do...
and no one is online!!!
argh!!! boring man...
i just slept most today too... tired..
but i still wanna do smth..

aHH!! damn man... my sickening final year project (fyp)

its soo hard to find a project to do man!! they have soo little project for sooo many students!
wads worst is that the list is not only for my school, its also for other school like EEE..
sian ah.. we are nt allowed to do EEE and DARE projects.
now that leaves we with alot lesser things to do man.
most of the lecturers we have looked for told us that their project is taken. 
and when we find a project that we really wanna do, we are told that we cant do it.
its not for our course or its already taken.
sian man..

quite pissed at my course too man...
its so diverse yet i find myself being denied many things in uni and in my fyp.
so damn irritating! wad makes thing worst is that i heard they increase the cut off pnt to my course from 26 to 29.
like freak lah! am i like in a course of rejects now?
i seriously wonder if i made the right choice coming to this course.
i know for a fact that quite of few of us came here by choice and now this is wad they are turning the course into?
damn!

its so disheartening..
however i heard that there's quite a high deman for mechatronics grad cuz we can do both mech and elec jobs man.
then again thats hear say...
i tink in uni i most prob will be doing smth else!
maybe aeronautical or biomedical engin or EEE or smth else.

but i still dont know wad to choose yet.

dilemmas of life..
wish it was simplier..
sometimes i wish i was non living..

oh k this is strange...

its been a long time since i've been home early man! i'd say since feb this year..
the strange thing abt this is that after such a long time not beening home,
home is no longer a refuge.
i feel lost at home.
like i suddenly don know wad to do man...
and i don feel like doing anything.
damn i hate this feeling of being lost.
i guess this is wad happens if u have been occupied with stuff for so long.
but i just wanna do smth now! 

heh.. when u start to slow down, questions of life starts pouring in to ur mind.
its like one of those things i don like to keep pondering abt.

haiz... sian lah... this is wad my mum emailed me.

Hi Lennon!

I was disappointed with you for not eating dinner at
home with us.
When we came back at 4.40pm you were sleeping. When I
got up at 5.45pm you were gone.

Do you hate us???
Are you avoiding us???
Are we aliens to you ???

I wish you can spend some evenings eating at home.
I hope We do not have a date with you for dinner.
I hope I do not need to impose curfew on you for
coming home late.
Examine yourself why kept you out most of the time.
Your home is not a haven anymore. There is no more
love and regards for each other izzit??

School had started, I hope you can manage your time
well and study hard for your future. Your future is in
you hands, not mine. Vome home early PLEASE.

CONCERN AND DISTRESS MUM

so much to get concerned abt man. i am tired of having to deal with this. i don wanna be home cuz i don wanna waste my time.. and wads so bad abt me going home late? dang... i am bored at home so how is it a haven for me?

i donno lah... i cant be bothered.... i got a life to live man! i don wanna waste my youth doing nth and smth that i'll regret doing..

oh k guys! school has offically started and the first week has past!

well i must say i'm qutie pleased with the time table this sem man,,, its much much more relaxed compared to last sem! more 10am classes this sem! so shiok..

anyway this week has been busy for me... hung out with ppl and jammed... qutie cool.. met up with ai quite abit this week too! they came over to my place to chill and play games... actually i running ard abit bringing ppl to my place and doing other stuff.. quite strange, they didnt come to my place all tog man... they can in like batches... first shah and mel, then matt, then sherm, then airan... wahaha so i practically ran in and out of the house bringing them to my estate. so we played the xbox for awhile then had canadian pizza lunch.. i ordered in... and its the first time i tried doing that.. haha... quite cock man... when the delievery dude came in his scooter he accidentally dropped a bottle of pepsi and its exploded!! haha.. well not really exploded lah.. the pepsi just leaked out of the bottle man.. yup... after lunch we carried on playing games while mel, who lives like on the other side of singapore went to slp in my room... like come here to slp man.. wahaha! siao.. :X yup then shah aimran and matt had this musical moment where they sat at my stairwell and started singing and making up lyrics... hah it was damn commical man.. oh and actually its not just 1 musical moment, it was many! another one was when my sis started playing a alicia keys song and shah and aimran suddenly cheong to the piano to sing from the garage man! wahahah!! it freaked my sis out totally man!! wahhaha damn cock lah... but i must say i feel previlaged to know such musically talented ppl and i wished i knew them earlier man!!

yup... so before long, it was time for them to go.. actually it was time for shah mel and aimran to go lah... they needed to go for zouk's sweet 16 bday man... haha... and not long after they left sherm, matt and moi headed to town to makan... we went to vivo to eat carl's jr.. it was a satisfying meal and an enjoyable day... we must do this again! haha


oh one more thing.. u guys can comment. i wanna see comments! more fun that way...

i feel down... thanks tian tian for cheering me up! u are such a good friend to me and one that really sees through me.

i feel so inferior to others, so left behind..
i feel so tired and fustrated..
tired of fighting, i just want to give up... everything.
nothing seems worth the time now....
oh how i wish i can restart my life, have different parents and env...
maybe i'll be different. maybe i'll be more of a fighter...
i wish i didnt give ppl such lousy image of myself..
i don want to be so guliable
i don want to be bullied so easily
i don want to be conned and persuaded so easily..
i want to have a mind of my own
i don want to be so self concious
i don want to be concerned abt losing face..

 

i just wish i was a different person... life would probably be not so tough. or i should just see a shrink...

wow! another chapter of my life has come to a close already and a new chapeter is about to start(rather a new sem is abt to start).

oh k 9 weeks of attachment has passed! so what have i gained in this time? realised that working is not gonna be fun man. and that work politics comes in differnt differnent forms man. made a few friends too...

i guess the main thing i took away with me is not to get bullied when i work... wads not ur job u should not do.. but i don really noe if thats the right attitude or not man.. but i noe after 9 weeks of work, i just want to rest.. sick of going to a place and do nth and pretending to be doing smth... i spent my attachment days waiting for time to pass.. when i get to work i wait for 10am to arrive, thats a break time. after that is lunch break. and after that is tea break... and after that is go home..

quite sad thta i have to spend it that ways... actually i really didnt gain much from attachement man just a whole bunch of slacking..

one thing i like abt attachment is hanging out with friends after work! but it really tires me out to the max.. but none the less the quality time i spend with them to get to know them makes it all worth it!

Anger is the flame that burns inside of me.
it is the thing that makes me cringe every limb and every muscle in me.
it is the thing that makes me want to lash back out for my rights.
the thing that makes me pant and clench my fist.
it is the thing that bites be from within.
it is the thing that causes me to forget every good thing.
it is the thing that stops me from seeing every good.
it is the thing that scream at you for that u have done.
it is the thing that makes me just want to tell u to fuck off.
it is the reason for me to avoid this place.
the reason to not want to meet you.
the reason to fuel more reasons to hate u.
to exclude u.
to cut you off.
to ignore you.
to disrespect you.
to hate you.
to dispise you.
to tell u that you don understand me,
my needs,
my wants,
my givings,
my achievements,
my desires.

what a strange thing anger is.
that spark in us.
the key to unlocking the infinite fury i have locked up inside.
the key to my hatred of u.
it stops me in my track of work,
just to write this post of anguish and hate.

but what really angers me is that you guys dont understand me.
and you will never will.
i am not a force to be reckoned with,
when i start hating you,
i will never stop.

oh k guys, something's creepy has been going on in my life man...

I THINK I'M BEING STALKED!!

shit lah... i think someone from my attachement place got hold of my number and has been texting me and asking me to guess who that person is and asking me wad i'm doing man..... like who the hell is that man?? best part is that i don noe who that is.. i called the person and that person didnt answer or cancelled my call, my friends helped me call that person during work just to see which of the operators reacted to the call but that didnt work, asked one of the dude at work who's number it is(he prob got everyone's numb) but he also don noe....

haiz... and i just receieve a msg from that person saying hello handsome boy what are u doing?... omg lah... this has never happened to me before... quite sickening ah.. i don mind playing along but damn man i don have free msg to play along and this is getting silly lah...don think i'll reply this msg man... soo irritating.. best part i don even noe if its a guy or girl..... creepy, i'd love to think its a girl then not that creepy liao... still is none the less...

on another note, the guys and i just sent sean to germany on his bday... we went to dine with him at fish &co. the airport branch and the crew there give him a bday cheer that was like totally stunning ah... like shit man... stomping the floor and all... CRAZY MAN!! but that was cool... imagin travelling to another country on ur birthday! sitting in that aeroplane of yours 30000 feet above the ground flying at over 800km/h... u are literally flying past so many ppl and lives below..  like wad vern said, u will usually take a good look at life when u are travelling... with questions like where u are, where u came from, where ur headed in life just comes rushing through ur head... qutie an amazing experience... help u appreciate life, and when u see other ppl in the plane and at the terminal u will also wonder how and what their lives are like... u would just want to listen to their live stories even though u don know them.. to see the struggles they have gone through, their happy times and their sad times... its like appreciating diversity in life, the human experience..

Man i'm tired! well let me update u guys alittle on my life lah...

this past week at itp is actually more fun then the other weeks combined man! cuz kinda make friends with some of the chinese operators.. well i must say some of them ARE DAMN CUTE!!! hahaha... like seriously man... met this operatorl, tian tian. yup thats her name... so cute huh? she looks cute too.. got the so cute untill u wanna bring her outside and beat her.. haha yea man.. nuts i noe..

yea anw she's from the canton province of china unlike most of the others from fujian province.. so tian tian can speak cantonese and i tried to say some stuff in cantonese but i tink i sound funny... hell i sound funny when i speak chinese too.. but its fun to talk to chinese ppl.. somehow i always find it a pleasure to speak with them! like being able to meet foreigners who are nt so foreign.. always found it a joy to talk to ppl from abroad cuz i'm just interested in the different cultures and mindsets ppl bring along with them when they are here... btw all of the operators at my work place are older then me. like tian tian is 22 but she looks 18 19... amazing! haha.. 

also realised that these chinese girls are also very warm! too bad this is my last week that i will see them. cuz next month they will be rotating shift to the night one. sad, just when u are getting comfortable things change.. i really hope to keep these friendships i made wif these chinese ppl. expand my international connections..

i guess my image of china has changed since i worked at skatesports..cuz my ang moh boss can speak chinese and i'm like dan surprised.. makes me appreciate the importance and beauty of chinese lang and culture.. used to detest the idea of going to china man.. but now i welcome that idea and hope to go there one day... can improve my chinese talking to them too! to think that i just to detest these chinese ppl and complaining abt the competition they give us when they come here. all i can say is that i was very ignorant abt them man... they are hardworking and competitive ppl because of the competition all of them face back home in china.. thats why they are soo goood in their studies..

well thats just alittle bit from my past week!