The Lemonizer

God hates me!!!

why does he give me smth beautiful only to threaten to take it away again?
i hate this anixety of having to wait undefinatly without knowing.
i cant cope with this well, it just affects me!

smth like this don come by often, therefore i really treasure it. but, now i don even know wads going on!
i guess i just have to leave it for now and try take my mind off it.

wah lao!! i've been sick 5 days liao..
it really feels like shit man..

edwin is back and i cant go meet him cuz of me being sick..
sianess....

long time since i've blogged...

anw life aint going too good now. and i hate it.. not like i can do anything abt it.

sometimes, well most times i donno how to carry on from here.

oh k.. i cant have a conversation with my folks.. partly they don understand me and partly i don want to talk to them. they will prob just write me off or they will lecture me.

just sick of listening to them goin on abt things i should do that i should do well in poly, get to local uni, bah bah bah.... like shut up lah.. i am tired of listening to this shit man. its not like i donno and its not like i can do anything abt it man... u all do not know me as a person, don understand me... and i'm sorry i don want u to understand or know me.. tired of opening up to ppl. u don like just fuck off... no more mr nice lemon..

tired of life. sick of always having to put up with seeing u guys.. i shall just be contented being a bastard and fuck ppl ard me.. tired of always trying to get along with other ppl.. tired of overlooking other ppl's differences to get along with them.. like fuck wad the hell do i get in return? makes me miserable..

i don want to say anything more already..
i rather u not care abt me.
just provide my finances till i can survive on my own can liao.

INSOMIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the dreaded.

shit lah i cant fucking slp man.. and everytime i think i feel sleepy enough to slp and i do try, i will toss and turn
wad sucks is that i am actually tired.. my eyes are tired, my mind is tired. but i just cannot fall asleep!

i tink i will be the living dead tml at work lah sian.. then after work i got to meet the guys to prep for the gig i'm having on sat... now i am still not so excited abt it man.. but when the time comes i tink i will be more panicy? haha

dammit! it is 4am now and i needa wake at 6.. 2 hrs of slp? like last week?
last week was still not as bad.. i had like 3 and a half hours of slp last week.
i am in serious need of healthy living
i need discipline in my life.

haiz.. dang. alright since i am already bloggin, i shall just talk abt wad happen today at work. well being a rental manager is not easy man.its like being a sergeant in the army i tink. u can get shit from both top and bottom! i actually got alot of shit from my top today. wads best is that the shit is not from my manager! its from another manager that's not on managing duties today.

like shit lah..i noe my crew got nth to do today, and i am thinking of stuff to let them do. i also have already assigned them to do qutie a number of stuff already. the thing is sometimes they do not carry out wad i want them to do exactly. its quite fustrating. and wads worst is to have unexpected circumstance to screw up my plan for certain things.. like for an example sending 2 crew off for break then both come back late cuz one is ill.. i understand that he is ill but i guess it boils down to my planning in the end that once such a thing happen i cant recover from it.. its like i have 9 crew including myself that have to settle the break time and each break is 1/2 hr. so in order to try and fit everything nicely, i will surely not take a break. and i do that every week. i also prefer to let the rest of the crew to go first then the managers. and still it is not enough time man..

my that other not on managing duites senior will come and tell me that i cant send 2 crews for break while my manager will tell me its up to me.. definatly i will send to wad cuz it makes things easier. of cuz that there will be some occassions where when i send 2 to go alot of ppl will come in and i will be shorthanded. heh. like wadever lah.. like this also cannot like that also cannot. 

however i feel that i also should be more aware of things to do so that i can avoid kanaing fucked by ppl lah..i hate it man.. at first i tink its oh k. but now i feel as though someone is breathing down my neck all the time man.. and when he stress me, i will unintentionally stress my crew.

i tink ya if rental supervisor already got some shit like this managers definately will have a whole lot more. coaches too.. thats kinda why i am not too keen on becoming manager and stuff or be more active in coaching..

also its quite sad to see another long staying crew leave. i listen to some of her bad experiences here and makes me wanna leave too. but if i leave, how am i going to get income? can i still play hockey with the team? but i guess at most i will prob work till i get into ns. then again it feels quite far away. cuz that's like next yr and if i work more ya, the more chance of me getting shit.. to think abt it, 3 more mths and i would have stayed at my work place for a year.. amazing man.. my first job and i stayed 1 year.

enough abt that.. i realise that i needa focus more on my 3 things taht i really really want. they are:

• studies
• hockey
• band

yup, the 3 things that i so want in my life now.. to do all these 3 things in my life requires discipline and time management.. smth that i am soo lack of... i shall talk more abt these 3 in my next post.. time to try to slp again.

i hate myself.

that mistake i made will never stop haunting me.
i should have gotten the hint.
i should have just taken a chance.
why am i like this?

is it cuz of how i was brought up?
always have a conflict of angels and devils in me.
i hate it..
i don wanna listen to either..

nice nice... this is the 2nd time i am writing about this post..
haha... its funny to try to write a hate piece the 2nd time without all the hate..
all i have not is dark humour...

ahh so where should i start?
i was blogging abt being sick and tired of facing a problem everytime..
like come on... move on already..
damn..
i got a feeling that this time when i write this piece it will nt be as hateful as the first time.

so wad pissed me off?
my father calling me and asking me to be home before 12.
seems simple?
but its nt...
that fucker calls me today and asked me to be home before 12.
but i cant i told him cuz i am working until 11 today.. and i got crewsnite..
meaning i get my pay and i cant leave until everything is done..
so wad time i got hometonite?
i reached home at 2am.
wads the first thing the fucker said to me?
just back ah lennon? its past 2 already.. i tot i told u to be home before 12?
i didnt wanna explain anything to him.. cuz well i have been working the whole day and i am FUCKING TIRED!!
so WHY THE HELL CANT U FUCKING LET ME GO TO MY ROOM U FUCKING PUSSY?
u just got to come and find fault with me huh?

i was waiting for my manager to finish up and close the shop so i can cab home with her.
and why that is such a need is because i got NO FUCKING MONEY.
simple.. and why don i have money?
cuz a certain someone owes me money for driving and i don even have enough to withdraw..
how nice...
i am flat broke and i want my money back now cuz  its my money!
i earned every single last penny of it..
anw even if i had the cash to cab home, i would still cab home with my manager..
cuz it'll still be cheaper.

yesterday also... cb
i told my mum that i'll be going for sp cresendo so i wont be eating..
surely she expects for me to be home late..
and this fucker wanna ke kiang and call me..

this is how its goes..
fucker: hello lennon where are u?
me: I am at bukit timah area eating with my friends
fucker: i tot u are in sch?
me: yes i was but i went to eat after the concert with my friends and bukit timah is in the are of my school
fucker: oh k len i want u to come home before 12
i look at the time and.... wow.. its fucking 10 minutes to 12!
like wad the hell i told him i'll be home ard 1 plus..
i got home 1 plus 2..
its still 1 plus..

wad really pisses me off abt this be home before 12 thing is EVERYTHING!

I hate the way he tells me to be home before 12
ihate the tone of his voice.. making himself sound soo pathetic..
like dammit where is ur fucking dignity?
fuck u lah... only make me dispise u..

all i need from u is to just give me money..
thats all... u don have to talk to me, u don have to care for me, u don have to love me..
just give me cash out of duty..
i don care seriously!
i seriosuly don need u in my life, just ur money..

why am i so hateful towards u?
ahh... thats u question u got to ask urself..
have u been a good father and husband to ur kids and wife?

u think the readers noe where i'm headed already..
and is NO. where were u when ur kids needed u?
where were u when ur kids want to play with u?
where u supportive of ur kids?
i'd say selective...
and lets talk abt COMMUNICATION..
HAHA..
now that is a joke man...
U CANT TALK TO UR KIDS.. U TALK TO US LIKE WE ARE 10 YEARS WHEN BUT IN FACT I AM 2 TIMES THAT AGE.
U FUCKING CANT TALK TO UR WIFE CUZ U ARE SUCH A CONDOSENDING ASSHOLE.
U TALK TO US AS THOUGH U ARE TALKING TO UR WORKERS

i don respect u..
therefore i don listen to u...
i think wad ever u are  tell me abt the be home by 12 thing just some bullshit..
and whenever i say i try to be home by 12, i'm just bullshitting u..
i'm just telling u wad u want to hear..
i aint gonna do that..
no way i'm gonna go that..
its stupid..
best part is that i don have anyhting one the next day..
so i don see why i cant come home before 12..

and  i tink i have been rather obliging already..
as we all noe that during itp i have been going out after work like everyday..
so now thats over and i am home alot more..
and still u make so much noise..
one thing i've learnt over the years is that there is no point in pleasing u..
i don even bother myself with that...
i just do wad goes and if u piss me off, i just want to HURT u by anymeans possible.
i am willing to hurt/cut myself to hurt u..

seriously i just am sooo fucking fucking sick of this goddamned topic..
its like every hate post i post is abt issues with u..

u may not have a life but i do and i have no intension of giving it up for some loser rule u made up..
and u can NEVER compare ur life as a teenager and mine..
why?
dammit it was like wad 30 years ago?
we go through different things we have different needs..
so it would be totally and utterly idiotic to make such a comparision..
don come and tell me when u were my age u never come home so late..
i'd just tell u to fuck off..

i don expect myself to be talking to u for the next few days...
I DO NOT NEED U TO SURVIVE.
U WANNA LOCK HTE GATES I WILL JUST BRING MY KEYS
U WANNA COME DOWN HARD ON ME?
I WILL NEVER BACK DOWN..

i feel bored and lonely..

i just need someone to talk to..
its times like this i imagine life to be smth else..

a cooling nite in a temperate country
snuggling up in a comfy bean bag
candlelight to illuminate the room
sipping some alcholic drink
listening to some smooth relaxing chill out music
chatting with gd friends or that special someone.


that would be the best way to spend an evening.
too bad thats nt possible due to geographical reasons. heh

wah.. i am bored..

damn i hate this. like suddenly got nth to do man.
oh my!!! wad to do wad to do wad to do????????

as always... i HATE being told wad to do!

and i so god damn hate being told wad time i have to go home.
i have respected u all by being home for the past few days and coming home by 12 last nite already.
yet u still have to impose such crap on me..
for fuck's sake i'm freaking 20 already!
dammit!

i seriously think that i should be given the freedom to come back wad time i want.
it is not like i come home at like at 3 often or i don come home at all..
u think i don know how to think for myself, or that i have sch the next day..
but i do u know.. u know wads the best part?
I KNOW THIS SHIT BETTER THEN U!

reason? simple.
cuz its my life, my timetable and i definatly know wad is my limit.
and u think i should quit my job cuz this is my last year in poly?
i say NO!
u guys don know how this poly system works man.
it's not like sec sch O levels years oh k..
there isnt a single decide ur fate exams like O levels.
here in poly wad we have is cummulative GPA scores.
so it is accumulated since year one. and i know myself that i can fucking do damn well lah..
i don need this kinda restrain from u guys..

u know why i don wanna do wad u say?
partly its cuz i know that if i listen to u all and give u all face.
u all will take advantage of this...
use this as leverage to bend me to ur will..

heh...
anyway, some things are better left unsaid.. it wont help if it was said anyway..